vyv's journal!
hello! i've brought down the lights a bit because this is a more personal and intimate place. this is my online journal where i write about my life and my thoughts and feelings. i lead a pretty happy and undramatic life, but i'm a very introspective person, and i love to monologue.
i'm the kind of person who deletes all evidence of the person i was when i start to feel a shift in my being. when i change and evolve, there's this compulsive need to only represent the cleanest, newest version of who i am. but that's not honest, and frankly, not a sustainable way to express myself. so i am making a promise to myself to try not to go back and delete or change old journal entries when they become out-of-date. i intend to have this journal for a while, and part of the point of keeping a journal is having an archive of every version of yourself who has contributed. i want to have that for myself. so just know, if you're looking at a particularly old journal entry, it may not be an exact representation of who i currently am. and that's okay!
i'll try to add content warnings when applicable. if you know me in real life or think you might, it might be wise to close out of this tab altogether!
click the star to read on!
04/15/2025
I'M BACK! i took a very long break from the site because life has just been so busy lately and i haven't really had a good time to just sit down and write. the big update is that we moved! it happened really fast, way faster than i thought it was going to. i thought it might take until summer, but we ended up moving at the beginning of february, which was awesome. the actual move-in day was insane, my grandma (who is an absolute saint) drove us in a uhaul for two hours in the middle of a snow storm to get us into the city. luckily by the time we actually arrived, the snow had calmed down a lot. then we spent the next EIGHT HOURS moving all of our stuff into our new apartment. and we're on the top floor, so this was not an easy feat. BUT WE DID IT! i honestly kind of can't believe we pulled it off, that was such a crazy day.
in the time since, i have quit the job i had lined up when we moved (i just do not have the constitution to work in a hospital, it wasn't a good environment for me) and gotten a new job housekeeping at another hotel. i absolutely love it, it's such a chill job and my coworkers are great, it's awesome. my boyfriend has just started a brand new cushy office job and i'm so happy for him, the pay is great and the job itself seems perfect for him. our apartment is small, but just right for us and our cat, and it's right in the middle of downtown! i absolutely love this city, everyone i've met as been so kind and i love love love the industrial landscape and distinctly 1980s brutalist architecture of the downtown area. the city is big, but not so big that it's intimidating, and super close to seattle, which is a HUGE plus. in the short few months we've lived here, it's just completely won me over.
of course, we have run into some issues. getting hired has been a long process for both of us, and i've had to ask my parents for money multiple times (they're always so nice about it, but i just feel so awful and guilty doing it). luckily, we've always been able to scrap some money together ourselves to pay for rent and utilities, but buying groceries has been such a pain in the ass sometimes. BUT IT'S LOOKING UP NOW! we're both employed and about to have regular paychecks, so hopefully soon we'll have a little extra walking around money. we've also had to deal with some super random storage unit thefts ?? they broke into our unit to steal like, random art supplies and a suitcase? very strange, but we've moved most of our stuff into our apartment for now, so it shouldn't be an issue anymore.
and those are all the big life updates! i love the city so so so so much, i never want to live in a small town ever again. when i look up, i wanna not be able to see the sky through all the skyscrapers, for real. it's good for my soul. but aside from that, not a ton else is going on! i got really into formula 1 racing recently, that's basically been consuming my mind. go aston martin!
click the star to read on!
01/21/2025
i know i'll miss this job and the ease of this life after we move. because inherently, im trading in the simplicity of living in the country with cheap rent for the chaos and opportunity of living in the city working full time. i KNOW i'll look back on this time so fondly, and maybe even curse myself for trading in at all. and that's okay, i don't hold that against future me. it's okay to have a hard time with change.
but ultimately, life has to change, and it has to get harder so that it can get better. i know that i'll get over it, and my normal will change, and i'll be happy i took the leap. even when i'm working into the evening, i'll be happy i can provide for my loved ones and give them the life they deserve. even when i get nervous about living in a city, i'll be happy i have the opportunity to meet so many new queer people and have so many friends. IT IS GOING TO BE HARD but it's going to be worth it, i promise.
click the star to read on!
01/21/2025
i made the fatal mistake today and got into a political post tumblr rabbithole. NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN! not fun. i spent the whole morning anxious with a migraine.
i got in my head about trans legislation, how my ID with my male gender marker might be invalid soon, how i might not be able to legally get married soon.* but yaknow what, i need to remember who the FUCK i am! i have come so far and built myself from the ground up, and my name could be covered in little ariel font F markers as far as the eye can see, and it wouldn't matter because it doesn't change who i am. and i would marry my boyfriend with no rings in our living room, i don't give a fuck. i'm proud of who i am and i'm proud of who you are. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKE IT!
*i got a wonderful text out of the blue from my boyfriend and i just realized none of it matters, i have love and beauty and comfort and happiness in my life, and i already have everything i could ever want! because i got love! and love is the only thing that matters!
click the star to read on!
01/16/2025
well, it's the middle of january 2025, and the world has absolutely gone to shit. or at least that's what my brain likes to tell me. i've generally been good about consuming news rationally, from sources that don't sensationalize for clicks, but i've just been so susceptible to doom scrolling lately. i'm worried about the LA fires, and the presidency, and the temporary nature of the ceasefire in gaza, and this stupid fucking solar storm we're supposed to get this year that probably won't even do anything. and i'm also in the process of moving this year, which is an exciting but stressful prospect all on it's own. i know i literally have an anxiety disorder, but it's so hard to rationalize being anxious over things that i have no control over. i can't understand it. i can't talk the fear down because there's just nothing i can do. you would think that would be a comforting thought, but alas...
i'm no quitter, and i will work to make sure the people i love and myself are safe and happy. i am an optimist, and i truly believe that things will always turn out in the end, and that no hardship is permanent. i do my best to always put on a strong front of problem-solving and positivity in the face of adversity. but i get scared, just like anyone else. some problems feel really big. i can't fix everything, and that scares me a lot. i guess i'll just focus on what i
can do. i think i'm gonna start playing metal gear solid.
click the star to read on!
01/06/2025
this journal doesn't look at ALL like i was envisioning it, but i guess it is what it is. it sucks bc i could make it basically perfect with some basic knowledge of javascript, but that is knowledge i do not have -___- oh well! better to publish something im not sure about than not publish anything at all.
check back later!
